Week 33 of the English Premier League sees Manchester City return to the summit after beating Cardiff City at home, and Manchester United drop to sixth after comfortable wins for Chelsea and Spurs in the race for Champions League qualification.

Here’s the plan.

A Liverpool scout will infiltrate The Etihad, kidnap the Kit Man, create a fake face using a 3D-printer, and then hand it to Liverpool’s equivalent.

The fake Kit Man will order cacti from the local succulent store, remove the needles, and place them in the football boots of the entire Manchester City squad. Then, and only then, do Liverpool have any chance of winning the English Premier League (EPL).