We finish our round-up of Week 34 of the English Premier League with the dirtiest game in the league’s history as West Ham, and Stoke played out a 1-1 draw containing 36 fouls.

My boy doesn’t know what to do with his life. He’s at that age, where a boy becomes a man, and you have to put down your joystick and pick up a pen, soldering iron or a hammer.

Like most people aged 17, he wants one of those cushy jobs, the ones where you can sit on your arse all day, being paid millions for doing nothing. I was telling him that there aren’t a lot of jobs like that in the world.

“What about Andy Caroll?” He said.