Disgraced high stakes poker, Ali Fazeli, will not face the beak to answer for the crimes of Summit Entertainment Group for quite some time after the sheer volume of investigative data causes the judge to postpone the trial date.

Three of my grandparents have died. One remains, in her 90s. I saw her the other day. She looked like Davros, the leader of the Darleks. I pictured her going home, opening a coffin, releasing triplet vampiric babies to feast on her body, and thought that was the likely reason she was still alive.

I don’t miss any of the other three grandparents. I don’t think anybody does. The speed at which we forget those that lived and then died is astonishing. It makes you question your worth. You die, everyone cries, and the following day, as they dig around your possessions fighting over your old record collection, they complain about the latest garbage strike.

Nah, nobody misses you.