People have begun taking bets on the successful assassination of Donald Trump, the date of the next mass school shooting, and terrorist attack on the decentralised future forecasting site Augur according to numerous sources.

So, I learned that a podiatrist is someone who fixes your feet. I bought a new pair of trainers, size 9, and they’re too big. I can’t change them because the seven-year-old came out of me. I had to wear them because they were so fucking cool. So there I was, limping past a shop advertising a free foot examination.

Boom.

Booked.