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Most train drivers like to do anything except drive a train. The most avid dodgers are the trade union reps, and in my day one of the prime culprits was called Bernard.

Bernard would prance around the depot, suited, booted – the type you had to ask to lift their feet so you could vacuum around them.

One day, Bernard came into the office with a new mobile phone. It was a bulky beast with a fin – like a rubber shark. Bernard said he was part of the ‘Mobile Phone Working Group,’ and was trialling the new ‘unbreakable phone’.