The UK Labour Party has promised live weekly broadcasts of gambling CEOs being eviscerated with extremely dull blades if voters will return the currently directionless party back to power at the next general election.

Well, not really. But in preparation for this weekend’s annual conference in Liverpool, Labour deputy leader Tom Watson has unveiled a raft of crowd-pleasing, pitchfork-and-torch-ready proposals aimed at cutting the gambling industry off at the knees.

Watson called problem gambling “a public health emergency,” evidently having skipped reading this month’s Gambling Behavior in Great Britain survey, which found problem gambling rates unchanged from the previous survey, while gambling participation actually declined.

Still, Tom, you were saying? “Current gambling regulation [introduced under a previous Labour government, just so we’re clear] is not up to the job of protecting addicts” but never fear, Labour has a plan, and this time, it’s really going to work.