Statisticians name the fastest player in this year’s Champions League, and if I hadn’t placed his name in the headline, you would have been surprised. 

I always wanted my son to score goals when he played football. He was good in the air, and I would suggest to the coach that he should let him go up for corners.

“Nah, he’s too quick.”

So, my boy, the quickest lad on the field, had to stay on the halfway line while all the excitement happened 45m away.